Sunday, 16 January 2011


I am looking out of my window....the grey clouds are scooting across the horizon
towards Widecombe in the Moor and a group of outdoor types are struggling with
a large map that clearly wants to be a kite and not a ramblers picnic blanket as the
high priestess of Ordnance Survey had surely intended.
The second coffee of the day just hasn't done it's job as I was woken up at bonkers
o clock by the even more bonkers birds that seem to think that it's time to go and
buy Easter eggs. I'm contemplating the third as I can't stop rubbing my eyes and yawning
and this really is having a damaging effect on my carefully applied eyes and lips.
Last night I dreamt that I was a darkly gothic, blood sucking, angel type faerie
again who was skulking around the granite outcrops of Honeybag tor looking
for lost and weary travelers to feast upon (yes...again, this seems to be a regular one)
The outdoor types have now tamed their unruly map and banished it to top of a
truly enormous rucksack and are busily 'clickety clicking' their way up the lane
with their walking poles as they head out towards the moor.....hmmm, I wonder if
they are going near Honeybag tor? Vampyre Amelia would relish in that. A quick
look at the outdoor types and it was fairly obvious who would be the first to
perish. A very short lady was coming up the rear of the group and was clearly
having issues in the trouser department (I think she needs a belt.) She would drop
back from the group to adjust her polyester source of annoyance and WHAM.....
"where's Mabel?" would come the question. On realising that very short lady
was missing it would be agreed that they would have to split up to search for
her.....this was exactly what Vampyre Amelia would want as she carefully picked
them off one by one as they mooched around the monoliths. When it came to the
leader and last of the ramblers (who I shall call Neville) to succumb to the bite
of the undead, he would dig deep into his goretex and pull out a shiny cross
that he had hanging around his neck (19.99 from Argos) and wave it in Amelia's
direction, hoping to repel the nasty girl. "Ha...doesn't work on me foolish mortal,
try again" she would snarl and Neville would frantically search his pockets for
a weapon. A compass, mobile phone, cuddly bear keyring....wait, what's this...
Kendal mint cake!
"Is that Kendal mint cake?" Vampyre Amelia would ask. ""yes" Neville would
answer as he waved it in the air as a threat to the mistress of darkness.
"Hmmm............I'm off""
I never liked Kendal mint cake, I am sure that it's the same stuff that you hang in
the toilet for that pine fresh minty smell, in fact I bet that it's made in the same know that I said that the coffee wasn't working....well I think
that it is now as I am doing what the happy, clicky outdoor types are doing...